rojak

talked and thought a lot tonight...many thoughts for today...

1) I'm going on a trip to Cambodia as part of my Mission Practicum module...there's a financial glitch. i find myself asking questions...feeling a little disappointed...thinking that i didn't pray hard enough...thinking that i made a wrong move...said yes too soon...thinking if God really wants me to go on this trip...am I just convincing myself? Too many voices in my head. Just trust Him. He will lead you...just take one step at a time...trust that He will provide.

2) today was the last day of school. i finished my course. one exam, one paper, one presentation...then it'll be all over. will say bye bye to SBC for a while. feels a little odd. A.j asked me what have I learnt... Today, as I wrote the thank you card for Dr Wiarda...I thought about how it's an amazing thing to be called to teach God's Word...the knowledge from God's word...showing God's love...having that passion to give God's Word to his people that their lives might be transformed...having that deep joy and love for His Word as one teaches... I've learnt that being in a Bible college is not like being in any learning institution I've been in. It's not about stuffing knowledge in one's head. It's not even about being equipped to teach, preach, minister... It's more about learning more about God's Word...to dig deeper into God's Word...having God's Word speak to us more deeply...that it may change us...change our lives...change our hearts...for it to be more deeply rooted in us...that it may bear fruit. And it is then that we can go forth with His Word..to teach and preach it..that His Word may change others' lives... Favorite classes would be Luke-Acts, OT Theology and Bible Interpretation (odd if you consider that I'm a missions student)...best thing that happened...through one class, God led me to have the courage and desire to disciple others..and through another class, He gave me a deeper appreciation for memorizing His Word. Thank you Lord...for giving me this opportunity to grow...to love your Word more...this is really so much more than I thought it would be...

3) Do I love my church? *shrug* sometimes, i feel like a small fry in my church. it's getting bigger. sometimes i forget that it is the body of Christ. i think i feel more at ease thinking about the bigger, universal church. i really don't know what to think of my church. sometimes, i worry too much. i think...what if my church will not support me when i go to Thailand? what if they don't pray for me, and slowly forget about me? am i supposed to expect the church to be there for me? sometimes, it feels too much like a company...a big organization...and i'm lost in it.
God, I'm really confused. Who is my church? What is my church? What am I supposed to feel towards my church?
But I'm glad that at times, when I think about my church, I'm not thinking about a board, a boss, and a bunch of people i happen to see every Sunday...but i remember my friends, my fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ...who ask about me...who are concerned about what I am going to do & what God is doing in my life...who pray for me...people who smile warmly at me and give me a friendly pat on my shoulder...
It's odd how when I look back...when I was a youth, there was no youth pastor...when I first started working as a young adult...it also felt like there was no one taking care of us...i felt neglected...at some point of time...i stopped looking for someone to shepherd me. The Lord is my shepherd. At least while I was an intern, Rev E was there to talk to and give guidance. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just too passive...waiting for ppl to approach me to talk and show concern...maybe I'm just too demanding. Now that I'm going into missions...many things seem scary. I wish there were someone who can guide me along...a mission pastor would be nice...I keep having that scary feeling that when I'm gone...I'd just be forgotten. Maybe I'm thinking too much...maybe I'm looking too much to man and thinking too much about what I want others to do for me. Maybe...maybe...*shrug*
Lord I thank you for putting me where I am...my church is a place where I've learnt and grown in you...where you've provided many friends who can pray for me and encourage me and help me...where you've given me the opportunity and privilege to serve you and your people. Lord, help me to remember how you've provided for me through your church, and to trust that you will continue to do so. Lord, I continue to look to you to lead and guide me even in times when I have my questions and doubts...Lord, you have called me to serve you...I trust that you will lead me to serve you. Help me to look to you and not to man. You are my Creator, my Provider and my Sustainer.

4) Do we shun from telling the truth? I mean when the truth hurts. I mean when the truth hurts but is necessary. Again. So difficult to speak the truth in love. We're so afraid of hurting each other. We think it's 'ungodly' to do so. But sometimes, when we don't speak the truth...the hurt accumulates...the damage becomes worse....we delay telling the truth...only to know sometimes that it is a little too late. But when? And how? Do I have to be the one? Do I have to? What is the truth? Or is it just my skewed point of view? So confusing. So afraid of doing the wrong thing...yet also afraid of not doing the right thing...which is also doing something wrong, right? (sorry...can't help it)
1 John 3:18 - Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
Ephesians 4:2-3 - Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Lord, give me the wisdom to discern what I ought to do...what you want me to do...what you want me to say...not my words, but yours...not my thoughts, but yours...

5) Love
The love that I've seen at home...and the love that I've come to appreciate as I grow older has been the love my mom shows to me...cooking my favourite food, leaving a bowl of soup for me when i get home late at night...scolding me when i fall sick...doing my laundry...cooking a yummy meal for my friends...waking me up in the morning...fetching me from school...it is the stable kind of love from a traditional chinese mother. She doesn't buy me gifts, she doesn't write me cards of love and encouragement, she doesn't hug me or tell me she loves me. But I know she does...it the many many many little and big things she does for me everyday of my life. She only had P6 education, but picked up reading on her own and read many Ladybird books and many many storybooks and rhymes to me when i was little...and that's how I came to love the English language...the stories... (think it's more difficult to pick up chinese lah...*heh*). She would cook and put it in a nice tupperware, and put the nice tupperware into this cute little tote bag she sewed herself and send it to me via my brother (i was in P6 and had extra classes in the afternoon...my bro was in the afternoon session...so he had to come to my class to pass me my lunch before he had to go for assembly). She would refuse to go to sleep cos i was staying up late to study and refused to go to sleep...she said if i didn't sleep...she wouldn't either...so forced to see how miserable she was trying to keep awake...i complied and went to bed... She bought me a silver chain with a cross that has a diamond in the middle...on my 21st...cos she knew how much my faith means to me...that I'd appreciate a cross more than I would a key. She bears the brunt of my grandma's complains about how I was being too willful...doing what i wanted...quitting my job as a teacher to go do what??? That's my mom....the love of my mom. Lord, thank you for the love you have shown me through my mother...I can only pray, that one day...she will come to know and accept YOU...and YOUR love...

I digress...i never really thought about the way we show love...and how we communicate love to one another. In my head...it's all really simple. We show love the way we want to ... and ppl should understand it as it is. But of course...it's not like that. Sometimes, I think I love ppl the way I THINK they ought to be loved...and the way I want to love...which can sometimes be a little too difficult for ppl to understand or digest... The way I love R...is by worrying about him...by praying for him...by being pained everytime he doesn't go for church, says a cuss word or does something wrong...the way I see it...I don't know how to show my love for him other than writing the rare occasional card or letter. A.j tells me he probably needs to be affirmed by me...that I need to learn how to show my love to him. Big question marks in my head....how? We talked about a few other cases...I conclude that I suck at showing love to ppl...*hee* I'm the kind who's tough on love...I like to shove things down ppl's throat cos I think it's for their own good...the way I love my students...by giving them LOTS of homework, extra classes, and scolding them...but of course they see it as anything but love. *shrug* I don't know...this is something I haven't really thought about. I miss the times in hall when we were so generous with our show of love and affection...we'd buy flowers and stick little notes on each others' doors. It was always so nice to come back from school to find a little love note on our door with a stalk of flower...so pretty...so sweet... or to have a packet of teh-peng hanging on my door when I come back from studying for my exams...we'd pop into each others' room and give each other a hug, a massage...or simply just being a silent companion for that little while. I miss that. A LOT... I miss doing that for others...and I miss having others do that to me. Maybe it was just so much more convenient then. Maybe I've grown lazy and careless...callous... Need to think about it. HOnestly speaking...I really haven't been showing love...at least not in the way people need love. Dear Lord, teach me to love as I ought to...to show love as I ought to...teach me to love with YOUR love...to give love...to bless others...

wow...this is a super big serving of rojak. but i'm glad i've been able to unload...there was just so much stuff just swirling in my head...bits of thoughts...bits of doubts...bits of worry...bits of nostalgia...

Pray with me...pray for me...