Following Christ...back to Thailand again.

(Sharing in church bulletin article in January 2011)


God’s Calling and Preparation
11 years ago, I went on my first mission trip to Thailand as a curious observer. Needless to say, I never thought I would one day be a missionary to Thailand.  He deeply impressed upon my heart the great need for workers in Thailand, a land where many live in much darkness and pain beneath their smiles. In these 11 years, God prepared me for His use in Thailand. He led me to serve in the Thai ministry (teaching English to the Thai workers), learn the Thai language, go on numerous mission trips, be trained as a secondary school teacher, serve as an intern in church, serve in the Sunday school, choir and youth ministry, be equipped in Bible college and explore living and serving in Thailand as an associate missionary with OMF for 2 years. 


My Life in God’s Hands
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last.” John 15:16a
Indeed, God is the one who has chosen me, and my life is not my own, but Christ’s for He has redeemed me from sin and death. As a Christian, it’s a constant struggle to want to control my own life, and many times, it seems to be so much easier to live my life as I wish, independent from Christ. And so He brings me on a journey where I have to learn to die to myself, to step out of my comfort zones, to leave behind all that is familiar and predictable and follow Him to a land where I will be an alien, plowing and sowing on hard ground, where I will face disappointment and rejection. I know, however, that this is His work, His will and He will ultimately bring glory to His own name. 


Dependence on Christ
“…apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5b
In my two years in Thailand, God showed me how weak and helpless I really am when I’m in an environment where I can no longer function in my old, independent ways.  I had to depend on Him to meet my financial needs through His people back home. I had to rely on fellow missionaries and local believers for companionship and to help me with my physical needs in a new and foreign land. I had to rely on His promises and go to Him on my knees, and even asking others to pray for me whenever I felt fearful, exhausted, downcast or defeated. And I will continue to learn to abide in Him and rely on Him, for He has never forsaken me in my distress nor have I ever been in need. I am so thankful for how He has been faithfully supplying all my needs, and oftentimes more abundantly, and in more ways than I could ever ask for. 


The Long Haul…
I have surrendered my life to God and where He leads me, I will follow, step by step. For now, I have committed myself to serve in Thailand as a missionary for as long as He wills. I have joined a mission organization, OMF (Overseas Missionary Fellowship), as a full member, to join them in their work with the Thais. God has always given me much joy when I work with young people (as a teacher, youth worker & missionary – both in S’pore & Thailand), and it is an area of ministry that God has prepared and gifted me for. I’ve always thought that I’ll be joining a church-planting team in the Northeast, however, through my 2 years in Thailand, God has somehow steered me towards the student ministry in Central Thailand, where teams reach out to youths, especially university students, in partnership with the local churches. I will be spending 3 months at Lopburi Language Centre, where, together with the leaders in Central Thailand, it will be determined which student ministry team I will be joining.


Cleared to go
So far, I have managed to meet all but one of the required clearances for me to depart for the field. I have cleared the following areas - Field (OMF in Thailand), and immunization), Home (OMF Home Council in Singapore) and Medical (health checks, psychological assessments). Pending the last clearance to raise the required financial support, I should be leaving for Thailand in early March.


Journey with me…
As I have mentioned, I do not walk this path alone. God is with me, and together with Him, He also brings along many faithful fellow-believers in the body of Christ to support me in various ways. Your partnership through prayers, encouragement and financial support plays a very important part of my journey in Thailand as a missionary.


Pray with me, and for me…
1. Please pray that I will be able to raise the required financial support before I leave in March. Pray that I will trust the Lord to supply my needs and learn to be content in all circumstances.
2. Pray also that God will lead faithful brothers and sisters-in-Christ who will commit themselves to support me in prayer and financially.
3. Pray that the application for my long-term visa and work permit in Thailand will be successful.
4. During this period of time before I actually go to the field, pray that I will be able to spend quality time seeking the Lord and prepare myself well. Pray also that I will be able to spend time meeting up with friends and supporters. 
5. Saying goodbyes and transitions can be very difficult. Pray for God to sustain me with His strength.
6. Pray that God will sustain me spiritually, physically and emotionally when I’m in Thailand. Please pray especially that I will be able to nurture good and stable fellowship in the team that I will be assigned to, where there’s mutual accountability and trust.
7. Pray for wisdom and boldness for me, and for God to prepare their hearts as I do feel led to share the gospel with my parents before I leave. Pray also that God will help as I seek to link up my parents to help them get acquainted with my leaders and friends in church.


Thank you for your prayers!

Prayer Updates December 2010

1. Thanksgiving

Praise the Lord! I’ve finally completed my 2-year course (Master of Arts in Christian Education) in Singapore Bible College. God has taught me so much in these last two years in school. It’s definitely more than just the content of the courses or the papers that I had to write. It has been such a blessing to learn, interact and fellowship with so many brothers and sisters-in-Christ from all over the world.

2. Gearing Up to Go – The Journey Ahead

As you may already know, I’m getting ready to return to Thailand as a missionary with OMF. The application process have been going fine so far and I think I’m left with getting the final clearance for my medical and the last hurdle would be to raise enough financial support. By faith, I have booked my flight to Thailand and God-willing that all goes well (medical and support clearance, visa approval), I’ll be leaving on 5 March 2011. In the meanwhile, I hope to be sharing my journey with anyone who’s willing to listen, and those whom God has led to journey along with me by praying for me and supporting me in various ways. Inevitably, there will also be lots of packing and saying goodbye to friends and loved ones.

3. Where? What?

Many have asked me which province I’ll be and what I’ll be doing. It’s most likely that I’ll be in Central Thailand (just a few hours up from Bangkok depending on which province). I will be in Lopburi for the first 2 months to refresh my Thai language at Lopburi Language Centre. In those 2 months, I will also be spending some time talking to the leaders in the Central Region as well as the Central Thailand Student Team before I know where exactly I’ll be serving. It’s amazing to see how the Lord has led me to teach and work with youths all these years and it really became clear to me in these last few years how He’s blessed me with the joy and passion to work with youths and see them come to know Christ, and to grow and thrive in Christ. I’m excited and really looking forward to see what lies ahead for me in Thailand!

4. Prayer Requests…

• Pray that I will continue to keep a close walk with God, and to grow strong and mature in Him (spiritually, physically, emotionally).

• Pray for my family – for better, closer relationship with my parents, and for their salvation. God has placed in me the burden to step out and share with them more honestly about what God has been doing in my life, about who Christ is, and why I am going to Thailand as a missionary. Please pray that God will grant me much wisdom, creativity and BOLDNESS.

• Pray that God will strengthen me and help me to process all that I’m going through emotionally and spiritually as I prepare to leave my comfort zone and say goodbye to all my friends and loved ones.

• Pray that God will bring along fellow-saints who will support and journey along with me, to be willing to keep in contact with me, pray and also to support me financially in the coming years. In my two years in Thailand, I’ve realized how important spiritual and emotional support from home is!

• Pray that I will continue to trust in Him as my Jehovah Jireh, who will supply all my needs. Please pray for my medical clearance, my visa application, and that I will be able to raise adequate financial support before I can leave for the mission field.

Prayer Updates August 2010

1. Tough times

As some of you may know, these 2 years have very challenging as God allowed me to go through dark days of depression and emotional turmoil. I struggled with self-doubt, loneliness, guilt, and unexplained melancholy that I thought would go away once I had more time to ease myself back into life home here in Singapore. I cried out to God for help, not knowing what was really wrong with me and what kind of help I needed. Now, when I look back, I see His goodness and faithfulness in providing loving and patient ones who listened, tried to understand what I was going through and prayed for me, even though I, myself, could barely make out what I was really going through. Eventually, God provided help and relief through a trained counselor from OMF and very helpful books and articles that I came across while doing research for a paper. I’ve come to learn and experience that our God is indeed “our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” (Ps 46:1). He has made me realized just how weak I am, and how much I need Him. In retrospect, I see how He is testing, refining and preparing me for the challenges ahead, that He may use me for His purposes and glory.

2. Family

These 2 years have also seen much ups and downs with things at home. On one hand, I’ve seen God’s faithfulness in how He’s brought my brothers and I closer to each other. My youngest brother, Jack, after attending church, CG and BSF for quite some time, finally confessed his faith in Christ. I never thought I’d see the day when my brothers and I would come together to pray for each other and for our parents, but our God is the Almighty One who can do more than we can ever ask or imagine! There have been some conflicts at home, some caused by normal family stuff like chores and disagreement over mundane matters, as well as things of the spiritual matter, like the food that our parents offer to idols and being asked to take part in religious rituals. It is a huge challenge trying to communicate with our parents, and I really want to be able to share with them about the God we believe in and how God has been working in our lives, but I do sense God telling me to be patient and let Him work. All we can really do now is to honour them, show them we love them the best way we can, and pray for them. In a way, I feel that my parents have resigned themselves to the fact that we are Christians, and for me, that I have chosen to do something that they cannot really understand. So on one hand, I’m grateful that they have not objected to my becoming a missionary, but on the other hand, I know I don’t really have their blessing since they cannot yet fully comprehend the nature of my work or my reasons for choosing to take this path in life.

3. Being Equipped at SBC (Singapore Bible College)

I’m currently in my last semester of school at SBC. As I look back, I see how God has gifted me and prepared me to work with children, youths and students even before my two years in Thailand. And during my time in Thailand, I really enjoyed ministry with students in general. And since teaching is something I’ve always loved to do, I ended up taking MACE (Master of Arts in Christian Education). I am very thankful for how God has been equipping me not just academically, but spiritually and practically during my time in SBC. God has also graciously helped me to make more friends and have a greater sense of belonging, even though I’m not a stay-in student. I really appreciate this opportunity to be a full-time student again. Although it has not been easy coping with readings and assignments, God has seen me through most of my studies so far!

4. My Home Church

It’s been a great joy to be back and worshipping at my home church again, catching up with various brothers and sisters-in-Christ, and sharing what God had been teaching and showing me during my time in Thailand. Our Provider God is not just one who can provide, but is also one who knows just what we need. Hence, He put me in a new care group, Frooted (a single ladies group), which has been a great source of comfort and encouragement to me. He has also given me the opportunity to serve in the Youth Fellowship, the Sunday School Music Team and the 11.30 service choir. I’m really thankful for the wonderful and exciting time serving in church alongside fellow-saints.

5. The Journey Ahead

Even it’s been very comfortable to be home amidst friends and family, I do sense that God wants me to return to Thailand. I do miss the Thailand –the people, the sounds, sights, tastes and smells. I would love to stay home here in Singapore – it’s familiar and comfortable, maybe too comfortable. It is God’s calling, and the love for the people He has placed in my heart that draws to back to Thailand. The journey ahead may seem daunting and at times, lonely, but it’s still the path that He wants me to take, and I cling on to His promise that He will be with me and supply all that I’ll need. I will be finishing my course at SBC at the end of this year. I have already applied to go to Thailand with OMF (Overseas Missionary Fellowship) as a full-member, which means that this time, I am committed to a four-year term. God-willing, I will be leaving for Thailand after Chinese New Year next year (end of February 2011).

Please pray for me as I prepare to return to the mission field:

• Pray that I will continue to keep a close walk with God, and to grow strong and mature in Him (spiritually, physically, emotionally).

• Pray for my family – for better, closer relationship with my parents, and for their salvation.

• Pray that I will be diligent and faithful in my studies, and be willing to sit at the Master’s feet to listen and learn from Him.

• Pray that I will continue to place my trust in Him, that He will provide for all my physically, spiritual and emotional needs, even as I consider the various challenges I will face in the future.

• Pray that God will help me to connect with present prayer supporters and more fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ to be part of a support group (prayers, finances, encouragement…) that will journey with me.

• Pray for the application process and all the preparation that has to be done before I return to the field (interviews, visa application, medical review, raising prayer and financial support…).

Mission Month 2010 - Bulletin

At the end of my very first short-term mission trip to Thailand in 1999, I sensed God calling me to serve Him, and I responded by dedicating my life to Him. I know that my life belongs to Him, and if He so demands my all, I would do so, but I also asked Him to guide me and show me what He wanted me to do. I wasn’t quite convinced that God was calling met to become a missionary, and decided I must have been just too overwhelmed by my first mission experience. Since I prayed that prayer, God has been really faithful in showing me how He wants me to serve Him. After 11 short-term mission trips to Thailand, I was finally sure, 5 years after I surrendered my life to serve Him, that He was calling me to serve Him as a missionary in Thailand.

I quit my job as a secondary school teacher in 2004, and started on a 6-month internship program in church. After completing a one-year course on missions in SBC (Singapore Bible College), I went to Thailand for 2 years (2006-2008) as an associate missionary with OMF, an international mission organization.

Right now, when I look back, I am amazed by how God has called, prepared and guided me on this exciting journey of serving Him. And this journey has not ended yet! For the last 2 years, I have been preparing myself to return to Thailand. I returned to full-time studies at SBC, and this time, knowing that God has inclined me toward ministry with students, I took up a course in Christian Education. God-willing, I will complete my course by the end of this year and then return to Thailand in February next year. I continue this journey with much joy and anticipation, but I also know that many challenges lie ahead. I am often encouraged by God’s promise that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor 12:9) and the fact that I am part of the Church, the body of Christ, made up of brothers and sisters-in-Christ like you, who journey along with me by supporting and praying for me.

Pray…

• That I will continue to keep a close walk with God, and grow in Christ-likeness.
• That I will be diligent and faithful in my studies, and be willing to sit at the Master’s feet to listen and learn from Him.
• For all the on-going preparations to return to Thailand (interviews, visa application, medical review, raising prayer and financial support…).
• For my family, especially for my relationship with my parents and their salvation.

Refiner's Fire

God is in the process of bringing us to wholeness, to completeness, that we may be totally prepared for the fulfillment of his purposes in us. The process often include fierce and fearful times. There may be ruins along the way. But we can be sure that in God's crucible we have the promise of a glorious, shining end. In Amy Carmichael's words:

One day, we took the children to see a goldsmith refine gold after the ancient manner of the East. He was sitting beside his little charcoal-fire. (He shall sit as a refiner: the fold or silversmith never leaves his crucible once it is on the fire.) In that red glow lay a common curved roof-tile; another tile covered it like a lid. This was the crucible. In it was the medicine made of salt, tamarind fruit and burnt brick-dust, and embedded in it was the gold. The medicine does its appointed work on the gold, 'then the fire eats it,' and the goldsmith lifts the gold out with a pair of tongs, lets it cool, rubs it between his fingers, and if not satisfied puts it back again in fresh medicine. This time he blows the fire hotter than it was before, and each time he puts the gold in the crucible the heat of the fire is increased. 'It destroyed it then helps it now.' 'How do you know when the gold is purified?' we asked him, and he answered, 'When I can see my face in it [the liquid gold in the crucible] then it is pure.'

Thus, when in us our Refiner sees his own image, he has indeed brought us to ultimate and true wholeness! To me this was a comforting insight.

Wounded Heroes by Elizabeth R. Skoglund

Missing

Yes, I've been missing.

I think when I couldn't bring myself to blog and share about what has been happening to me the 6 months, it was indicative of how bad things were. Not that I have always been blogging regularly, but I always thought this was a place I could openly share what I go through...my journey with God.

It's been a long time since I thought I would want to share something here. Well, right now, being able to understand what happened and blog about it would be a sign that I have 'recovered'. Right now, I can't pinpoint specifically when I started sinking into a depressed, negative state. But I think with all the goodbyes I had to say in Thailand, coming home to cope with the big transition, being sick for a month...negative thoughts started to invade my life and they literally crippled me. I don't think I was ever aware of how bad it was. It's only now, when I look back and think about what went through my head, and when I read the entries in my journal that I realise how I was struggling with an oppressive cloud of negativity while trying to keep up with appearing ok.

Now that the 'cloud; has literally lifted, I feel extremely liberated. In fact, I feel like I can breathe better. How was it like spiritually? Half of me was clinging desperately to God, the other half of me was running away from God. I really can't remember that last time I went through so great a struggle with myself (my own thoughts and emotions).

I'm sorry if I didn't share with you what I was going through. Part of it was because I couldn't fully comprehend what was happening myself, much less share it with others. Another reason was the lie that I bought in...that it's shameful for a missionary to come home and go through 'depression'...how encouraging is that? For those that caught glimpses of it (when I was actually lucid enough to ask for prayers), thank you for praying for me.

Yesterday's QT was a breakthrough for me. For the first time in many months, I was filled with genuine praise and gratitude to God.

Psalm 18 really spoke to me, I really felt like I'd just come home from a battle, and I'm just so glad God has rescued me from my enemies.

"I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.
From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears.
...
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:1-6;16-19

Yes, O Lord, I love you! Thank You for hearing my cries of desperation in those dark moments when I felt like I was drowning. Thank You for rescuing me, for drawing me out of the pit of negativity. Thank You that You delight in me.

Thought-provoking...

When I was at a retreat earlier this week, I came across this on a board in the room we were meeting in...

The Paradox of Our Age

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgement; more experts, yet more problems; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; we take more vitamins but see fewer results. We drink too much; smoke too much; spend too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get too angry quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too seldom; watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we fly in faster planes to arrive there quicker, to do less and return sooner; we sign more contracts only to realize fewer profits; we talk too much; love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less; we make faster planes, but longer lines; we learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more weapons, but less peace; higher incomes, but lower morals; more parties, but less fun; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort, but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; drive smaller cars that have bigger problems; build larger factories that produce less. We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, but short character; steep in profits, but shallow relationships. These are times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; higher postage, but slower mail; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorces; these are times of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, cartridge living, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to prevent, quiet or kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room. Indeed, these are the times!

revamp

I've finally decided to repair my blog. For those of you who didn't know what was wrong with it...good for you! It wasn't displaying properly on certain browsers. It's time for a change anyway. Will slowly add stuff to it. I'll try to post more often!

Freebie

I don't usually do this. But I have listened to this album a couple of times and I really think it's fantastic! Not that I listen to many Christian rock bands, but this one, I definitely recommend!

Plus...it's free to download! Just click here!

Latest Prayer Updates! (from home!)

1. Grandfather's passing
Thank you for all your prayer and concern when I had to rush back for my grandfather's funeral. I'm thankful that we managed to avoid any big confrontation over what we had to do during all the rituals, even though there were times when we felt really uncomfortable and tensed. Overall, our relatives understood that we did not do certain things because we were Christians, but we still tried our best to show our respect to our grandfather.

2. Thai Language Exams
Despite the disruption to my language lessons, I was able to complete all my checks and I cleared my Level 2 Language exams. It was a grueling 6 hours, of which the 4 hours where I was tested on listening, reading, speaking was really nerve-wrecking. I was too nervous to do as well as I could have, but by God's grace, I still managed to pass. Please pray that I will be diligent to keep 'in touch' with the Thai language during this time when I'm home.

3. Coming home
It's been great coming home for good after being away for 2 years. The first week was spent bringing Wan (my Thai friend who's a Thai language teacher at OMF's language school in Lopburi) around S'pore and we had a great time. Pray that we can maintain this good friendship and continue to pray for Wan's salvation.
After Wan left, I took a short holiday to Taiwan and I fell sick the last 2 days I was there. My condition worsened when I got home (bad cough), and I have been resting at home. After being to the doctor twice, I'm still coughing, but I'm at least well enough to do things and function more or less normally without feeling faint and dizzy. Pray that I'll recover fully soon!

4. Family
Continue to pray for the salvation of my family members, especially my parents. Pray for Jack, my youngest brother, to grow in his understanding of God's saving grace. Pray for Roy to continue to grow in the Lord and for wisdom to manage work and ministries in church. Pray that my parents will understand and support my plans to return to Thailand.

5. Plans
I intend to join OMF Thailand as a full-member and go back to Thailand in about 2 years' time (around Aug 2010), God willing. In the meantime, I will be taking up courses at Singapore Bible College to further equip myself. Term will only be starting in January next year. I will also try and help out with youth ministry in church as well as help prepare for the December mission trip to Chiangmai. I'm still in the midst of working out the details with the church leaders as well as with SBC. Pray for God's guidance to make wise decisions.

6.Sharing
Now that I'm home, I'm bursting to share what God has taught and shown me these last 2 years. I'm hoping to help increase mission awareness as well as encourage more active participation in missions in my church. Pray for wisdom and clarity as I prepare to share with care-groups, fellowships and individuals, as well as to the congregation during the services.

I am so grateful to those of you here at home who have shown such love to me and have blessed me enormously through your various forms of support. I will be most glad to spend some time with you, or even with your family or care-groups and share about God's goodness in my life and God's work in Thailand. Just call/sms/email me!

I would love to hear from any of you...especially if you have any prayer requests!


Email: mitchimin@gmail.com
Blog: http://muahhahah.blogspot.com/

down...

I'm sick. Fell ill while I was on holiday...how nice. Came back with the worst cough I've had in years...the kind that dries my throat, gives me a headache and just drains all my energy. Doc's not worried abt it though. The cough mixture I was given makes me super drowsy and HUNGRY! I can't do anything! I just have to stay home and wait for this illness to go away...and just rest.

My house is in a mess cos they repainted the whole house...everything's in boxes since we had to move the furniture and all...it's like moving house all over again. I have no energy to unpack and tidy up my room. I have too much STUFF...it's a nightmare. Thankfully, my parents think that packing's going to make me cough even more. Yes, my cough sounds terrible...so they've been letting me rest.

cough...eat...take meds...sleep...cough...eat...take meds...sleep...

Back...

I'm finally back in S'pore. Landed on the 8th of August 2008. *heh*

I'd really love to update and tell you what I've been upto... but there's no time! Wan, my good friend from Thailand is here with me and I've been bringing her around...I actually went to places in S'pore I've NEVER been to before! *heh* I'm such a lousy tour guide.

Will try and update soon...being home is soooooo weird.

Grief

There hasn't been a death in my family for a long time. The last time I had to go to a funeral of a family member (extended family) was when I was in primary school...that's a long time ago. All these years, I've imagined what it would be like to lose someone I know. I'm the kind of person who would like to be prepared for everything, so mentally, I conjure all sorts of weird scenarios and try to think how I can react. (I'm weird. I know.)

My paternal grandpa passed away last Tuesday. I was in shock when I received the news. I've thought about it a couple of times, especially when he suffered a stroke a number of years ago and the doctor said he probably wouldn't survive. But when it really happened, I just didn't know what to do, or how to react.

It's been a week and I still feel numb. My family never talked about how they feel or what were their fondest memories of him. I need to grieve, but there's no outlet. I want to hug my grandma, my dad, my aunties and uncles. But by the time I arrived, they were done with the emotional outbursts. They were set on getting the religious rituals right so they could do their part to send him on the proper Teochew way.

It was as if everyone just pretended it was ok, that they didn't need to talk about it. And so I went along with the whole thing.

I'm the eldest grandchild in the family, so technically, I'm the grandchild that's closest to Ah Gong since I've spent the most amount of time with him. I can't say I miss him. Since our teenage years, we've grown reluctant to go back to M'sia to visit our grandparents because it was hot (no AC) and there was nothing to do there. We were never really close to our grandparents anyway (traditional Chinese family style + bit of language barrier). And even though they came to stay with us for a while after Ah Gong had the stroke, he was no longer his old self. He resented the fact that his movements were hampered and spoke with a slur, so he just clammed up and said he was simply waiting to die.

Ah Mah said she was hoping that he would last until I went back home. I wonder if that would have made any difference. Even though we weren't close, he's still my Ah Gong, and deep down inside, I'm really sad he's gone. On my way back from S'pore, I kept thinking about the 'what if-s' and 'why didn't I-s'.

Why didn't I ever share the gospel with him?
I couldn't do it in mandarin, not to mention in Teochew.
Well, couldn't I gotten someone to come and share?
Who? And how would my Ah Mah and my parents react to that?
Are you just coming up with excuses?
Shouldn't you do something about your Ah Mah and the rest of your family?
I...I...

Oh Lord, have mercy on me...may Your will be done and not mine. Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not ways that I can fully comprehend. Just guide me to do things Your way in Your time...

I know God doesn't put these negative thoughts in me to generate guilt and negativity...

I remember Ah Gong waking us up in the morning to eat the roti prata and nasi lemak that he cycled all the way to the market to buy for us.

I remember how Ah Gong used to feed me Teochew porridge with chopsticks when I was young.

I remember how Ah Gong always went out of his way to get yummy food for us (chendol, ketchup noodles...) when we went back to Pontian.

I remember how Ah Gong would laugh till he teared.

I remember how funny Ah Gong looked without his dentures.

I remember how comfortable Ah Gong looked in his usual white singlet and blue drawstring shorts.

I remember how Ah Gong always put food in my bowl and ask me to eat more.

I'm just sad I didn't get to say goodbye to Ah Gong properly. I didn't get to say any words of comfort to my Ah Mah or my dad or any of my aunties and uncles because no one seemed to be sad. No one was showing much emotions...if they were sad, they had to hide it...if they cried, they did it with their backs turned and behind closed doors. I just wanted to grieve with my family, but there was no opening to do so. All we did was to listen to the priests chant and walk round and round...going through the usual funeral rites that had no purpose or meaning. There was no eulogy, no sharing...I don't get it at all.

I won't get to see Ah Gong again. Ever.